I’d like a Rockstar this morning, I think as I arrive at work
Yay, they have restocked the machine!
I swipe my card and punch in the code for the regular can, E5
“Out of stock”
You lie! I see a full row right there, you tricky machine
I punch in the code again
E5. Same result
Well fuck you kindly, machine, I suppose I’ll just take the sugar free variety
Choking back the disappointment, I punch in the code for Sugar Free, E6
The tray lowers, out comes Sugar Free, but lo! What is this?
Regular has decide to shake loose of his constraints and tries to join Sugar Free!
My excitement is impalpable at this point
Two gumballs? Fuck, son, this is two Rockstars
The awkward escape attempt has left Regular at an unwelcome angle
The tray, in all its cold and ruthlessness, does not accommodate
Mouth agape, I stand in horror as Regular gets pulverized by the tray
Liquid gushing everywhere, the faint hiss of life escaping Regular
Sugar Free plops into the hole
Covered in the guts of his brethren
I grab Sugar Free, trembling as the moist can slides into my palm
Unable to comprehend the tragedy, I sat there for a full minute
Lip quivering, I see as Regular leaks its final sugary goodness along the bottom
I blink once
Then I cry out “I didn’t see nothing!”
And promptly exit the room
This is to you, Regular, as you were the can of sugary crap that was just not meant to be.