Ode to this mornings RockStar

I’d like a Rockstar this morning, I think as I arrive at work

Yay, they have restocked the machine!

I swipe my card and punch in the code for the regular can, E5

“Out of stock”

You lie! I see a full row right there, you tricky machine

I punch in the code again

E5. Same result

Well fuck you kindly, machine, I suppose I’ll just take the sugar free variety

Choking back the disappointment, I punch in the code for Sugar Free, E6

The tray lowers, out comes Sugar Free, but lo! What is this?

Regular has decide to shake loose of his constraints and tries to join Sugar Free!

My excitement is impalpable at this point

Two gumballs? Fuck, son, this is two Rockstars

Then, tragedy

The awkward escape attempt has left Regular at an unwelcome angle

The tray, in all its cold and ruthlessness, does not accommodate

Mouth agape, I stand in horror as Regular gets pulverized by the tray

Liquid gushing everywhere, the faint hiss of life escaping Regular

Sugar Free plops into the hole

Covered in the guts of his brethren

I grab Sugar Free, trembling as the moist can slides into my palm

Unable to comprehend the tragedy, I sat there for a full minute

Lip quivering, I see as Regular leaks its final sugary goodness along the bottom

I blink once


Then I cry out “I didn’t see nothing!”

And promptly exit the room

This is to you, Regular, as you were the can of sugary crap that was just not meant to be.

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