The everlasting internal battle.

I’m not so sure how many times I opened this very page over the past few month or so, since I last updated in the beginning of February. I would start a sentence or two, maybe hammer out a title, and promptly lose all wind in my sails, closing the browser and pushing away from the computer.

This has been frustrating for me, since I felt like I had some decent momentum in my contributions. I’ve been thinking about it, and I think I have a fair idea of what happened: I started seeing positive results from this blog. I was enjoying what I was writing, I showed a couple people who encouraged me to keep it up, and then….all motivation went kaput. This type of behavior is chronic for me. As soon as I start to see positive results in what I’m doing, I abandon it. Start exercising, have a couple of people compliment me on weight loss? Better stop working out. Play high school football, have a couple of people recommend I should play at the next level? Better avoid college altogether. Get some positive swell from this blog? Better…..well, you get the idea.

I used to think that I feared failure, and that is what held me back. While this is still applicable to a degree, a different realization came to the forefront. A realization I actually touched upon in one of my last posts: that I am afraid of success as well. What a silly thing, to be afraid of success. Isn’t that what we all want in life? It can mean a variety of things, depending on who you talk to. Wealth, fame, family, etc. Regardless of what it is to the individual, I think we all want to look back at the end of our lives and be able to say, “I mattered because of [reason].”

To find myself actively shying away from situations or opportunities where I can find this success, has been frustrating to say the least. At this point, it’s just a matter of rewiring my brain. Normal people don’t think like that, at least, I don’t think. Or am I normal for thinking this way? Is it the people that have no doubts, nothing but absolute assurance in their own abilities that can be thought of as abnormal?

Anyway, I discovered a little hack I can perform on myself. The early results have been encouraging. Every single time I find myself thinking “I don’t want to do that”, I’ll immediately get up and go do whatever said action is. It’s funny how my brain is that way.

“I don’t want to clean up my place.”
“I don’t want to go for a run.”
“I don’t want to finish this project at work.”
“I don’t want to read this book, hang out with these friends, write in this journal, post on this blog, etc.”

See a theme? Pretty much every single thing I find myself finding against, is exactly what needs to be done in my life. Either out of necessity, or to follow the type of life I’d like to lead. I just need to accept that I am in a constant battle with myself. I am my own ally, and worst enemy. Every single day I get to decide who wins. The hero or the villain. I’m the author of my own biography, and with my pen in hand, I have to decide whether or not this next chapter is going to be a positive one, or a negative one. This can all get so very tiring, but I have to strengthen my resolve.

All in all, things have been decent, but not great. Aim to keep on keeping on, force myself to be more active around here. After all, I do find this a bit therapeutic.


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One Response to The everlasting internal battle.

  1. djpeterson3 says:

    My mind hack is: what you produce is not equal to your self worth. What’s paradoxical about this is that those who don’t worry so much about the end result end up being more productive because they live in the moment, they are concerned only with the task at hand. The second piece to this is that striving for something is what makes people happy, not the end result, not material measures of “success”–that could be a bonus, but not where the meaning lies.

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